Trump vs AOC

A Monopoly Showdown for the Ages

“Common sense cannot be taught.”
—Quintilian (c35–c100), Roman rhetorician

In an unexpected turn of events that could only occur in the Age of Ridiculousness, soon-President Donald Trump and Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) agreed to settle their ideological differences over the Xmas holidays the old-fashioned way: with a game of Monopoly.

Trump arrived first, lugging in a custom gold-plated Monopoly board with his face replacing the GO square. His pieces were, of course, custom as well: a miniature Trump Tower, a private jet, and a stack of subpoenas. All tasteless and in gold. The “Income Tax” field was omitted. Every third chance card allowed narcissists to get out of prison for free. Other chance cards included: “Stormy Weather Ahead! Pay $130 to silence a scandal. Move back three spaces while your lawyers sort this out,” “Offshore Haven! You found a loophole! Avoid taxes this turn. Collect $200 as you pass GO without contributing to the public fund,” and “Play the system! Declare bankruptcy strategically. Wipe out all property taxes owed this round.” Currency is replaced with Bitcoin. The game is won when all players except one declare bankruptcy.

AOC strolled in with her own eco-friendly, socially conscious version of the game, where the utilities were replaced with wind and solar farms, and all properties were government-subsidised and rent-controlled. Her game pieces were no less pointed: a tax the rich protest sign, a bicycle, and a student loan statement. There was no private property. Instead of buying and owning properties, players collectively manage community assets such as parks, hospitals, factories, and schools. Property spaces are replaced with cooperative projects like Workers' Housing or Collective Farms. Railroads are replaced with Public Transport Stations, and no one owns them. Jail is replaced with Re-education Center, where players engage in cooperative mini-tasks, such as face-painting and drawing trees with crayons, to get back into the game. Currency is replaced with food stamps. Instead of hotels and houses, players develop cooperatives. Boardwalk is the Workers' Assembly Hall, and Park Place is the Public Green Space. Chance cards reflect revolutionary themes, e.g., “The Revolution Succeeds! Advance to the nearest public project,” or “Sabotage by Bourgeoisie! Lose one turn to repair damages.” The game is won when all players' basic needs are met and the collective achieves its objectives, such as universal housing and net-zero emissions.

AOC does like certain aspects of the original Monopoly game, though. All players start with the same amount of resources. When passing GO, called the Central Planning Office on AOC’s board, all players get the same amount, i.e., they are equal and receive a basic income from a centralised authority. Officially, AOC liked fields like “Income tax” and “Luxury tax,” as taxes are a centrally organised money-collecting mechanism. Unofficially, AOC disliked losing money like everyone else. 

AOC: "Let’s see who wins when we’re playing by real rules.”

Trump: "Sweetheart, the only rules that matter are the ones I make up as I go."

As the dice rolled, it became clear that neither player actually knew the rules of Monopoly—or had any intention of playing fairly.

Trump immediately started buying up every property he landed on, loudly proclaiming that it was “the best deal anyone’s ever seen.” When AOC tried to point out he was overpaying for Mediterranean Avenue, he dismissed her criticism as “fake news.”

Meanwhile, AOC refused to buy any properties outright, insisting on implementing a cooperative housing scheme. “We’re not here to profit; we’re here to build community,” she said. Unlike the Obamas, she certainly didn’t want to buy any beach properties because of rising sea levels.

Trump: “How’s your 2018 prediction that we are all going to die from climate change in 2030 doing? That’s five years from now, cutie-patootie.”

AOC: “I am sticking with it, blowhard. The climate crisis is real.”

Trump: “Alright, Cortez, I know you're all fired up about this whole climate hoax thing, but let me explain something. The planet isn’t melting down as fast as you think. Climate change isn’t a catastrophe. It's a manageable challenge. Why bankrupt the economy when adaptation and innovation work better? You know, dear, common sense. Try it sometime.”

AOC: “Donald, how can you say that? The science is clear! Greta Thunberg—she’s only a teenager, and she understands this better than you do—says we’re in a ‘house on fire.’ How do you sit there calmly when millions are already suffering? Bernie Sanders says we need a ‘political revolution’ to fight climate change. This is a crisis of moral urgency!”

Trump: “Greta? The Jew-hating perpetual child from Sweden who refuses education? She’s a kid. A passionate one, sure, but let’s leave policymaking to the adults. Fossil fuels are not the villain. They’ve lifted billions out of poverty. We’re not just talking air conditioning and Netflix here, Alexandra. We’re talking about hospitals, clean water, life itself. Would you like to go back to horse-drawn carriages? Or are Teslas okay because they’re, what, chic? And windmills. Do you have any idea how much diesel they had to burn to transport these monstrosities from China to Texas and mix the concrete for the base? And how much coal is required to produce the heat for smelting the steel? In its 20-year lifespan, it won't offset the carbon footprint of making it. Not even close. It’s ridiculous. Ask the Germans. And don't get me started on solar panels and the lithium in your Tesla battery.”

AOC: “This isn’t about Teslas; it’s about survival! We need to degrow the economy, to stop this obsession with profit and endless consumption. Saint Gore has been warning us for decades, and he was right! Do you even realize how much money the fossil fuel industry has cost us in disasters, pollution, and healthcare? You’re defending a system that’s literally killing people.”

Trump: “High energy prices are killing people too. Ask the Brits. And with Gore, do you mean the same Gore who flies private jets to climate conferences? Talk about leading by example. And as for degrowth, we can’t power the modern world with windmills and dreams. Renewables are unreliable. They need fossil fuels as a backup. What happens when the wind doesn’t blow, honeybun? You gonna ask Klaus Schwab to wave his globalist wand?”

AOC: “Klaus Schwab understands that we need global cooperation, big guy. The climate crisis doesn’t stop at borders! We need leaders who will unite us, not pit us against each other. Greta says, ‘Our house is on fire.’ Why won’t you listen to her? Why don’t you care?”

Trump: “Listen to an eternal child? Care? I care about results, not good intentions or infantile scare tactics. Michael Shellenberger, who used to be one of your climate alarmists, admits renewables alone won’t cut it. You want to shut down fossil fuels, yet ignore nuclear power – the cleanest, most reliable energy we’ve got. But no, you’d rather play the victim card. ‘The sky is falling! Give up your freedoms!’ It’s a scam, snugglebug.”

AOC: “It’s not a scam, oaf! The science is settled! Bernie says we need a Green New Deal—jobs, justice, and saving the planet. You’re clinging to the past, but my generation sees the future. A just, sustainable future!”

Trump: “See the future? Like Paul Ehrlich and the Club of Rome? Your Green New Deal is a fantasy. It will be gone by the end of January. It’s unaffordable and unworkable. If you destroy the economy to save the planet, what’s left? Poverty for all? The world isn’t ending, cupcake. It’s changing. Let’s be smart about it, not hysterical. ”

Tensions reached a boiling point when Trump landed on AOC’s Community Chest card. The card read, “Redistribute your wealth to the 99%.” Trump threw a fit, declaring, “This game is rigged, folks. Rigged! The deep state needs to go.”

To retaliate, Trump built hotels on all his properties, declaring them “Trump Resorts,” and then tried to convince AOC to stay in one for free to dance on the rooftop and boost her brand. AOC declined, suggesting instead that Trump’s hotels were likely unregulated death traps.

As the game dragged on, both players abandoned any pretence of following the rules. Trump began printing his own Monopoly money, claiming he was “stimulating the game economy.” AOC started a grassroots campaign to boycott Trump’s properties, encouraging the audience to chant, “Monopoly for the People!”

Trump: “You’re just mad because you’re losing.”

AOC: “And you’re just mad because the dice don’t worship you.”

The endgame was nothing short of chaotic. Trump attempted to declare bankruptcy but insisted on keeping his hotels, saying, “Bankruptcy is just a strategy, folks.” AOC, meanwhile, proposed abolishing the concept of rent in the game entirely, which led to an argument over whether or not Monopoly was “a tool of capitalist oppression.”

Trump: “Alexandra, I’ve got to hand it to you. Your side has done something no one thought possible: you’ve turned the question ‘What is a woman?’ into a national mystery. I mean, we’re talking about a word every child used to know by age five. One day, this epoch will be called the Age of Ridiculousness. This woke stuff—it’s not progress; it’s chaos. And, by the way, DEI, i.e., Don’t Expect Intelligence, has passed.”

AOC: “It’s not chaos, Donald. It’s inclusion. Gender is a spectrum, not a binary. People are more than their biology. Greta Thunberg, from whom I get most of my inspiration, says we need to rethink old systems to create a more just world, and that includes how we see gender and identity. People deserve the right to define themselves. And, Donald, DEI has not passed, and it doesn’t stand for Dysfunction, Envy, and Ineptitude, but for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.”

Trump: “Define themselves? Fine. But you can’t redefine reality. If you can’t say what a woman is, you’re not just ignoring biology—you’re denying common sense. Wokeness is where common sense goes to die.”

AOC: “Oh, please. Don’t be silly. No one is erasing women. This is about equity. Trans women are women. Full stop. Bernie Sanders says the fight for justice includes the fight for LGBTQ+ rights. Why can’t you get on board with that? We should be tearing down oppressive systems, not clinging to outdated definitions.”

Trump: “Okay, let’s talk about fairness. You’re fine with a biological male competing against women in sports? Breaking records, taking scholarships? That’s fair? That’s justice? Come on, Alexandra. Even people on your side are starting to say, ‘This doesn’t add up.’ It’s not equity—it’s lunacy. Human rights is all that is needed. That covers everyone, even the queers-for-Palastine clowns.”

AOC: “It’s about creating space for everyone. People like you are so obsessed with protecting the status quo that you forget that systems change. Greta says we have to think outside the box to solve problems. Well, this is thinking outside the box. Gender roles, patriarchy—they’re all part of the systems we need to dismantle.”

Trump: “Dismantle the patriarchy? Sure, let’s do that right after we figure out how to answer basic questions like, ‘What’s a woman?’ You’re so busy dismantling and cancelling that you’re forgetting to build anything coherent and lasting. And don’t even get me started on pronouns. He, she, they, ze, zim, zur—it’s like alphabet soup! Ask Kamala. She almost mastered the soup.”

AOC: “You’re mocking people’s identities! That’s exactly why we need wokeness—to call out harmful attitudes like yours. People deserve respect. If someone tells you their pronouns, the least you can do is honor them. This is about empathy, Donald. Try it sometime.”

Trump: “Empathy? I’ve got plenty of empathy for people, Cortez. But empathy doesn’t mean letting a small minority rewrite the dictionary for everyone else. This obsession with feelings over facts is what’s driving society off the rails. You want a better world? You want America run by a face-painting snowflake? Like Canada? Start with reality. You can avoid reality, Cortez, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.”

AOC: “Reality is evolving! Justice and equality mean listening to marginalized voices. It’s not about clinging to old definitions—it’s about creating a future where everyone belongs. Bernie says, ‘Change comes from the bottom up.’ Well, that’s exactly what we’re doing!”

Trump: “Bottoms up indeed. And what you’re doing is confusing everyone in the process. Gender isn’t some fashion trend you redefine every week. We need clarity, not chaos. You call it progress; I call it the Age of Ridiculousness. Good luck selling that to the American people, hun. They’re not buying it.”

AOC: “And people like you, tubby, will be remembered as the ones who stood in the way of justice. History will prove us right.”

Trump: “Sure, sweetie. Just let me know when you figure out the answer to the easiest question in the world.”

Eventually, both players stormed off, leaving the game unfinished. Trump declared himself the winner, citing “unbelievable, historic success,” while AOC insisted the real winner was “the working class who saw the truth about inequality.”

Trivia:
“Dad, how many socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“None, son, the light bulb screws itself.”